When I realized I couldn’t…

Yesterday my youngest daughter called from work and didn’t feel well.  She let me know she believed she had eaten something that might have been bad, just food poisoning coming on.  I touched base with her throughout the rest of the day.  When she didn’t arrive home as fast as normal, I became fearful. I talked myself down from the ledge. She called and said she had to make a stop; in fact, I believe it turned in to 2 stops in what is a normal 15-minute drive home. I knew she was sick. 

When she arrived home, I realized she was ok, but really sick. My fear set in like a stranger setting up a homestead inside my home.  It had no care for any of my thoughts, feelings or emotions.  Fear just arrived and moved right in. 

You may ask why this is such a big deal? Why should you care? This is a big deal because THIS, this is the life you realize you lead after you have had a child die.  Everything becomes bigger than life with your family members that are still here on earth with you. It just does. Usually I can work through it and calm my anxiousness. This time was different.

This time was different, like I didn’t belong in the place I was standing. I began to hear myself call out to My Heavenly Father to heal her right now. I don’t want her sick. But I soon realized, I COULD NOT PRAY THAT PRAYER. I could not ask Him to heal her, last time I did that, HE did. He completely healed our oldest daughter from everything this world put on you. He took her to heaven with him. I KNOW THIS. But I don’t have to like it, not yet.

I find myself feeling as though I need to reassure those people around me, the praying ones, the ones that claim they are a Christian, and those that have had all their prayers answered the way they feel is best for them. Those that say they are praying for me, the ones that tell me it will all return (my prayer life that is), and those that say there is a plan.

Believe me when I say, I am no less fortunate than any of you. But I am not alone, I am just mending. I am filling back up. My vessel was not just emptied, it was shattered and broken. Most pieces will not ever be found. And for this reason, I ache. I want to remember how. I want the words to never again come out stale or just empty.

I realized in that moment of wanting and aching to pray, I could not pray; but I could believe. I cannot pray as I used to, but I do hold onto hope. Hope that I will be able to pray with words as I used to. Those roots of run very deep. Especially now. 

None of this is my fault, its not Gods fault. It is a senseless awful thing that happened for no reason. I am so mad about it all, but I am in peace. I still believe that God is good, and I know He can bare my inability to pray. I know He can carry the weight of it. I am not angry with God, I love my God desperately, but I also know I must find my way back to Him.

I have hope. I have a strong faith, I just realized I could not pray. And again, THIS overwhelmed me. THIS thing called child loss, took the very breath out of me.  In answering the question, why should I care? This is another reason why you should care. Those who are walking on this road (life after losing a child), are never going to be able again, walk on a scenic view or easy street. Things will pop up and knock our feet from under us at the weirdest times. So, we will take time outs from time to time. But we want to return. We want to be whole again. We want to show our peace.

Yes, our youngest daughter is doing better. Looks like it is a stomach virus. To most, that is such a little thing, especially when your “child” is an adult child.  But for me, it was another stop in the road in a place I never asked to be.

Triggers are BULLIES!

It’s amazing how, with grief, one can be going along and out of no where one gets hit with a sucker punch.  I am coming up on the 4^th anniversary of my oldest daughters’ death.  I have, for the most part, been doing well.  Until earlier in the week.  I started to have nightmares again. I would be sitting in my chair at work, only to break into a cold sweat.  I could not for the life of me think what was causing this.  I knew the date was close. But that just didn’t seem to be what was happening.

 Let me preface this by saying, the company I work for installed wonderful desks that will adjust to let you stand or sit…they are amazing!!!

Something like the picture below. My office even has this dress code 😊:

UNTIL…

I walked out of the restroom here at work yesterday. I looked over the office and immediately I could hear, smell and THIS is the picture I had in my head.

Stupid triggers. I was wrecked. When in reality, I was at work, safe!  But in my head…I went to this place.  The last place I was with my daughter. The medical team making rounds, consulting over her condition.  I have been walking through these memories in my mind and didn’t even realize it. 

Now, that I have talked about it out loud with my husband, it’s not so scary.  But these stupid triggers are the worse!

UBUNTU or Playing to your strengths, Reflective Best Self

If a member of the Babemba acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he or she is placed at the center of the village, alone. All work ceases, and the entire tribe gathers in a large circle around the violator.

Then each person in the tribe, regardless of age, speaks to the accused, one at a time, recalling all the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his or her lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy is recounted. All the individual’s positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. No one is permitted to fabricate, exaggerate or be facetious about the accomplishments or the positive aspects of the person.

This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days and does not end until everyone is drained of every positive comment he or she can state about the person in question.
At the end, the circle is broken and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe with joyful celebration.”

(Excerpted from “Contact, The First Four Minutes” by Leonard Sunin)

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“Your ability to work for the benefit of the team and not just yourself”

Teamwork, Compassion, Commitment, Accuracy, Friendly, Sincerity

Your strength is tenacity. You have a way of graciously getting what you need to finish a project. [..] administrate to the completion of a project

Care for family and make others happy and to be a part of the bigger calling/team.

Ability to work for the benefit of the team not just yourself, ability to see a project all the way through, and the desire to put your best into every project.

You stay on top of issues. Your focus is to always seek the best information and pathway to ultimate health.

When we worked together […] I gave you the task of creating a way to communicate to the employees that would grab their attention. You were creative and always made sure the project was complete.

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“Your honesty and integrity is your inner force”

Compassion, Determination, Commitment, Integrity, Longevity, Excellence, Safety, Composure

You follow biblical truths, which is not always easy, but that motivation comes through your faith.

Honesty and knowing the job is well done.

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“You have a fire about you when you are able to initiate a plan, accomplish and see the plan through to completion. Your hearts desire is that the plan or event is for the betterment or benefit of those around you”, “You give of yourself 100% to the things you do”, “You are most alive when you are being creative”, and “You are an organizer in the natural sense”

Competition, Compassion, Determination, Commitment, Initiative, Creative, Capable, Organization, Awareness, Excellence,
Accuracy, Other-focused, Spontaneous

You come alive when you are allowed to be creative. When you are able to take the lead on a project.

You provided a way and method for engaging the employees.

When fully given a project and a required outcome, then striving to get the most creative and straight path to the outcome. Normally with you, there is always an unexpected gold nugget to each path in your world.

While on a mission trip you have encouraged young adults to work hard through your own example […] you reminded a group of girls their efforts were just as important as their male counterparts. […] you believe in people no matter their age or capabilities. You make those around you desire to give their best. You celebrate them.

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“Strong and passionately protect your family, friends and those that are hurting or those you are mentoring”, “You have a sense about you. You know when someone needs extra encouragement or help and you give it with honesty and love”, “You do not have to use your words to show your strength or where it comes from. Even when you are in a very difficult or trying time yourself, you still show strength and become a shelter for others” and “You have an unwavering strength and happiness through lifes’ trials and day to day events”.

Compassion, Determination, Commitment, Initiative, Longevity, Awareness, Structure, Safety, Friendly, Integrity, Sincerity, Rational, Spontaneous, Fun, Composure, Freedom

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“You are a perfect mix of grit, love and faith”

Watching you through the most difficult time in your life, I believe. As a nurse I watched the most beautiful thing, you didn’t have to use words to be insightful. It was all in your actions, and your willingness to trust God with your heart.

I would love to see more nurses have your perfect mix of grit and love and faith! We need more people with hearts like yours, a heart that loves like Jesus, in our profession.

The REASON for my existence and

The reason I rise and continue everyday

The above areas I have highlighted include the feedback from some of the most important people in my life whom I admire and value their opinions. This sampling of the feedback I received, are what make me who I am today.  I am who I am today because of them and the life experiences I have gone through. My confidence, desire to do good, and fire in my soul is all because of them.  Thank you for reading my Reflective Best Self 2019.